Dreams

When I was a little girl, I remember having 2 dreams for most of my life as I grew up. I wanted to be a teacher, and I wanted to be a wife and a mommy. Well, I actually pursued the teacher track for awhile and found it wasn't for me, so I'm okay for that dream to not have come true. And as for the other dream....it has sometimes seemed nightmarish over the last five years and sometimes it still feels like a dream that could come true.

It's interesting how as we live life and get a little older and go through more experiences - good and bad - it seems easier to just stop dreaming. Or to at least pretend our dreams don't matter that much. That way if they don't come true, we won't be as disappointed. And I do believe there is a fine line to walk with being okay with exactly where God has you, whether or not your dreams come true for your life, and not being afraid to dream. For example, if I am single for the rest of my life, if I never get to be a mom or a wife again, I will be okay. I will live a full life, I will make a difference, and my life will matter. But the dream of my heart still exists.

As much as I go through stages where I think I could never do it again - I could never risk again - something inevitably happens that leads me back to awareness of what my heart is really saying. This past weekend was Nikki's birthday, and we spent Sunday at the Magic Kingdom celebrating. While we were waiting to get on our boat at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, there was a lengthy delay. We, along with the rest of the line, watched as 3 people tried to get an older lady loaded into the ride. She was completely paralyzed from at least the waist down and it was like taking a limp doll and trying to get her situated in the seat. Once they got her down, her husband sat down next to her, wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and adjusted her hat. I could just imagine him giving her a hard time about how cute she looked with her hat crooked, just to ease the embarrassment of the moment. All of us had tears in our eyes as we watched a visual representation of true love play out before us.

Then today at the mall, I was passing out fliers at the stores. I went into a children's store, and they had their Easter displays out. I have always loved the color lavender and if I were having a little girl would want to paint a nursery lavender instead of pink. They had the most adorable dresses that were lavender and white and lavender and other colors. It hit me like a ton of bricks - the desire that one day I might have a little girl I could put a dress on and have a lavender nursery.

I don't know what God has planned for me, and I know I truly will be okay with whatever He has planned. But the events of the past two days have reminded me that no matter how much the thought of marriage again someday scares me or taking a risk is terrifying, the dreams are still there. And after all this, the fact that the dreams are still there and I do still have hope....well, that is a miracle to me!

So I just wanted to share what I am pondering with all of you. Perhaps you could ponder it too. What are the deepest dreams of your heart? What are you afraid of? Jesus will meet you there, wherever it is. And He will love you enough to not let you stay in your fears and to fan the flames of your dreams so that His even bigger dreams for you can become a reality. I know this from experience! :)