On The Eve Of Graduation

Hello everyone!  As we all know, there are times in our lives when change happens unexpectedly...we are going about our day and suddenly something happens and we are never the same.  And then there are times when change creeps up...we know it's coming, and we're aware that it's here, but one chapter must first close before the new one begins.  It is in this particular part of change that I find myself sitting today.  Two-and-a-half years ago, I began a journey that would change my life in ways I never could have imagined.  At times, the days and weeks seemed to drag.  Yet suddenly, I find myself on the eve of graduation - about to receive my Master's Degree in counseling psychology - and it seems as if time has flown by.  Today feels a little like the day before your wedding.  You know that all you've worked for, planned for and prepared for is culminating in a ceremony tomorrow.  And you know that while the ceremony is really just a tiny moment in life, it represents a transition from one journey to the next.  So while I sit here waiting to go pick my family up from the airport, as I ponder the change that awaits me as a new chapter starts, I would like to take the time to thank some people.  Because I would have never made it through these last 2 1/2 years without the support, encouragement, and love of so many of you...

To begin, thanks be to God!  Only He knew that I was ready for this, that I would be finding my sweet spot, learning how He has made me on deep levels.  He knew what I would encounter, what I would work through, and He gave me new friends to give me what I needed to survive.  He remains patient and gracious with me, and I am in awe that He has trusted me with the holy ground that is another person's story.

Thank you to my parents and my siblings!  They have supported me in sooo many ways, and I could not have done this apart from them.  I am who I am because of how I was shaped through my family, and I am a better counselor because of them.  I love you guys so much!

Thank you to my bestest friend and fabulous roommate Nikki!  She has lived through these years with me, known how difficult it was, and supported me through each moment.  I am sooo thankful God brought us together as friends and sisters all those years ago.  He knew what we would need, even when we had no clue what was in front of us.  Love you tons!

To my "big brother" - I would not be who I am personally or as a counselor without you in my life.  Thank you does not seem adequate, but I am forever changed.  Love you!

To the Freeman's - Thank you for your continued support during this time and always.  You hold such a special place in my heart, and I'm so glad we're family!  Love you all!

Thanks to my extended family and friends who have encouraged me in multiple ways - there are too many to even begin to count and name.  I stand here today because you have each been a part of my life and helped shape me into who I am and who I need to be for this next chapter.  I am soooo thankful to have such a community of support and encouragement and love.  You guys will be walking across the stage with me tomorrow and are very loved!

To my professors - Dr. Lawson, Dr. Carson, Dr. Shyers, Dr. Casado.... I have learned much from each of you.  I have the skills and techniques that I need to be a counselor, but more than that, you have taught me how to be me....to embrace who God has made me to be, to realize that I am the greatest tool I have in a counseling room, and that I can trust my gut, even if my style looks a little different.  Thank you for your wisdom, for the countless ways you pour into the lives of your students, and for forever being a part of the fabric of my life.  Love you guys!

Cyndi - You came into my life before this whole adventure started and because of our work together, I was able to do this.  I don't know what would have happened if I had not met you.  Thank you for the grace you have shown me, your patience, and your encouragement in every way.  I am sooo thankful for you.  Love you!

To Liz & Tony B. - Thank you for your faithful support of me through this journey.  You allowed me to eat and pay rent at times, and I will forever be grateful.  You have been a shining example to me of God's faithfulness and His graciousness.  Beauty out of ashes.  Always.  Love you both!

To Jason W. & Chick-fil-A - Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make a living while going to school.  This journey would not have been possible without you and the flexibility and support you gave me.  I will always be grateful for all the ways you poured into my life that allowed me to be here today!  Much love to you!

There are so many of you that have been a part of this, and I hope I have not left anyone out - it was not intentional if so!  Just know that I understand that I couldn't have done this on my own.  It is with the community of support God has given me that I will be able to receive my diploma tomorrow and with that same community that I move forward into the next chapter of life.  Thank you feels small, but thank you to each of you.  Now let's celebrate!! :)

Lessons From My Cat

Greetings, dear adoring public whom I have neglected for so many months now! :)  And yet with good reason....I graduate with my Master's degree  FIVE WEEKS from Saturday!!!!  May I just say that the end that is in sight has never looked so good?  It has been quite the journey over the last 2 1/2 years.  I had no idea what I was in store for on that first night of class - how much I would learn about myself and have to confront my own pain in the process of helping others.  I know it is a journey that will continue for a lifetime, and as painful as it sometimes is, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't have a lot of time to write a blog today, so I will put up a post in the somewhat near future (hopefully!) about what my plans are after graduation.  Do not fear - I do have some plans, and I am excited to see all that is in store.  For now, I am just concentrating on finishing up my last two classes, completing my internship hours, and not losing my mind in the process!

Anyway, on to the purpose of today's blog.  Many of you know my famous cat Ellie.  Here she is in case you have forgotten or perhaps never met her...

Over the last year, Ellie has developed an odd and terrible habit of ripping out her fur in select places along her back.  Most likely it is due to an allergy of some kind, and her skin itches, so she licks it and then pulls the fur out.  She has had a striped back a lot lately from where she has patches of fur missing.  So in the latest attempt to cure her ailments, the vet gave me flea meds for her - just in case - and oral steriods to give her over a month time period.  If I had a video of some of my attempts to feed my cat her meds over these last weeks, I could win some awards.  She has not been a fan.  At all.  I've done all the things you're supposed to do to help calm a cat and render them helpless so you can do what you have to do.  But whoever thought you could subdue a determined cat has never met my cat.  As I've held her by the scruff of the neck to syringe feed her the meds, she has clenched her jaw shut.  I have never ever seen a cat do that.  I have had to literally try to force her mouth to open with the syringe so I could get the meds in.  I have talked calmly to her.  I have told her how much this was going to help her stop itching and feel better.  I even fed her treats after so she would associate good with it.  And only now, after being near the end has it gotten much better.

As dumb as it might sound, one morning when I was on the floor with my cat mashed to the ground trying to force her jaw open, I had the sudden realization that I am a lot like her.  How often do I fight what God is trying to give me because I don't like the taste of it or it hurts or is painful?  And how often does He stand over me telling me that in the end, the meds I don't like now are ultimately going to make me so much better?

I sit with so many clients each week, and I think it is human nature and very common to fight against the pain we are in.  We do whatever we can to ignore it and numb it.  After all, feeling pain sucks.  It isn't fun.  There is really nothing pleasant about it at all.  But at the end of the day, I am learning that the only way to truly find freedom and healing is to first confront our pain, feeling it and processing it so that it can then be let go.  For it is our surrender to the process - not the fight against it - that brings peace.  And rest.  Maybe my cat is finally learning this?  Or maybe she just got tired of fighting. :)

 
More updates to come soon.  Love you guys!

One Year Ago...

Hello friends!  I guess I need to quit apologizing each time I write a blog for the amount of time that has gone by since my last blog.  I have great intentions about posting more often, but at this time in my life, that just isn't happening.  Anyway, I had a few moments today and thought I'd try to post an update and catch you up a bit on what's happening these days.  To begin with, one year ago on this date, I had surgery to have my thyroid removed!  I cannot believe it has now been a full year since that took place. I will say that this has been a very difficult year for me.  Our thyroids are our primary mood stabilizers in our body.  So remove one, and you have to figure out how much medication to take to regulate your hormones and moods.  Add to that a person who has always been very drug sensitive, and you pretty much get a recipe for a year from hell, at least physically.  When your levels are too low, your body physically mimics the symptoms of depression.  When the levels are too high, you display symptoms of anxiety or mania.  This has been a year of up, down and all around for me as I have swung from low to high and back again on a repeated basis.  I will say this - one year later I am doing better.  My cycles between high and low are much less frequent, not as strong, and do not last as long.  I am recognizing the signs in my body much quicker and am learning what to do to prevent drastic swings.  Even so, it can still be tough.  I am currently coming down from a too high level and haven't been sleeping much and am constantly hungry.  Good times!  But while it has not been pleasant, I am grateful to all of you who have been kind to me over this past year, despite the mood swings and craziness!

Of course on top of these physical issues, I have been completing the craziest time of school as well.  It's absolutely miraculous that I have been able to stay in school and get done what needed to get done. And here I am, in the midst of my internship, with graduation looming a mere 5 months away!!!  I am SOOO excited and so ready to be done!  When I started this school journey 2 years ago, I knew time would go by quickly, but it seemed like it would be forever before I would be done.  Now I am winding things down - only 2 classes plus my internship remain, and I can't believe the end is in sight!

I am LOVING counseling!  It is a challenge to be sure, but it has taught me so much about God, myself and people in general.  So far I have seen 40 different individuals this year.  The amount of pain and sadness represented in those 40 stories is at times unfathomable, but I have also seen miracles take place in so many of their lives, and it is such a gift and honor to be able to share another's story as they journey towards healing.

Nikki and I just moved into a new townhouse that she bought, and we love it!  It is so nice to have a place that is a real home, where we can paint and plant flowers and create a space that is...well, home.  Ellie loves it too.  She runs up and down the stairs many times during the day, and family members will be delighted to know that this is helping her lose weight so she looks less like an ottoman. :)  There are lots of changes ahead as chapters end and new ones begin, but I am excited about what God is up to and what He is doing in my life.

For now, your continued prayers are appreciated as I wind up school and try to maintain focus for this last stretch.  Pray for the people God brings across my path.  Pray for wisdom as I sit with others and share their pain.  And pray that my levels will stabilize further and that I will be able to find the exact right dosage that will keep me mostly in the middle more often than not!  For now, I need to go eat some more food! :)  Happy Thursday!

Twitty Tweets, Life & Being Brave

Hey everybody. Lots going on as usual and I thought it might be about time for an update. First of all, I have joined the masses of people who tweet or are twits or however you want to describe it, and I now have a Twitter account. I figure my life is crazy and I have funny and insane things that happen that could make for fun tweets, and it could help people keep up with me some. So feel free to follow me - my username is TiffLynne45 and hopefully soon I'll figure out how to use it and twitty tweets will follow!

On the thyroid front, it's been an interesting month or so. My surgery was last July and my levels are still all over the place. A little over a month ago, my levels tested really really low. So the doctor put me on a higher dose of synthroid, and after taking that for about 3 weeks or so, my levels spiked really high. I didn't sleep for four or five straight nights, I felt like I was on speed, and my hands literally started shaking. It was crazy. Obviously the dosage was too high, so we've settled on the dose in the middle of the previous two. It's been a couple of weeks now on that dose, and things are better. My body is slowly recovering, but in coming down off the high levels, I have had some struggles with feeling really depressed. Some days I'm up, some days I'm down....each morning when I wake up, I'm not sure how I'll feel. It's amazing. :) It has not helped to be dealing with all of this physical stuff in the midst of the madness that is currently my life. However, God is also using it to teach me lots because there are times when my coping skills don't work at all, which is forcing me to confront and deal with even deeper levels of healing. I would appreciate prayer though for my levels to balance out and us to be able to find a dosage that works with my body.

Tomorrow is the last day of March, and this means multiple things to me. First of all, I only have about 4 weeks of this semester left to go, and I have a TON of work to do. But wait - I only have about 4 weeks left in this semester!!! That means that I have survived the first three months of this working/school attending/internship madness. It also means that only summer and fall semesters stand in the way of graduation. The light at the end of the tunnel grows ever brighter, even when I'm not sure sometimes how I'll survive. Time is flying by though, even in the madness, and while I can't wait to be done with school, I also want to make sure I don't miss all of the opportunities I have to learn as much as possible.

Speaking of learning....since I started my internship in January, I have learned soooo much about people and myself and life and God. Sometimes it can be very overwhelming because there are so many things happening that I feel like I don't have time to process it all. I mentioned in a previous post that my word for this year was "brave". Sometimes I'm sorry I chose that word, but God knew I needed to. :) Already in three months, there have been ample opportunities to practice being brave, and I'm sure more will follow. In my last post, I talked about hitting a wall as I was being confronted with people's pain and feeling very overwhelmed. That stage of my journey has pretty much passed. Don't get me wrong - there are still days when I feel completely overwhelmed, like I have no idea what I'm doing and don't know what to say to the person sitting in front of me. But I know with more certainty now that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that this is the career for me. Instead, the stage I currently find myself in on this journey towards becoming a counselor is one of humility. I cannot tell you how humbling it is for another person to sit across from you and share things about themselves that they've never told another soul. Do you know what kind of courage that takes? I have found myself processing so much about this - what does it mean to share our stories? What does it mean to live authentically with others, being open, vulnerable, trusting? Why do we hide? What are we afraid of? As I've sat with my clients, I've realized that as they share their stories, they are speaking my fears out loud. They're saying things I'm afraid to say. They're telling me things or answering questions I ask them that I might not ever say in my own counseling. Why is that?

Granted, it's easier to share parts of our stories with strangers. After all, there's no emotional connection, and we can just walk away and never see the person again if we don't want to. But watching this process play out has forced me to confront my own lack of bravery. Because I have been hurt by others, I'm afraid to be that open - even with the people that I know love me the most. And yet how much am I missing because I don't allow people to prove that they're different? What does being brave look like for me?

Nikki and I watched the movie The Help not too long ago. Amazing movie. I loved what the character at the end of the movie said... "No one had ever asked me what it felt like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free." And that is what I have witnessed so far in my internship journey. As people share what it's like to be them - as they are honest about who they are and confront what they've walked through and struggle with, freedom begins to grow. Hope blooms. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what God has created us for? So while I had an idea of what being brave meant and how that might play out in my life in 2012, that idea is being transformed. As I sit with others and experience their courage, I am being challenged to express the same courage in my own journey/story. The question is will I? Will you? May our desire for true freedom and connection with God and others be greater than our fears of being known, of being rejected or abandoned. Love wins. :)

Prayers!

Hi everyone. I have officially made it through six weeks of counseling real people as a student intern. And it has only taken me until this sixth week to absolutely hit a wall. Due to confidentiality and lots of important laws and rules, I cannot share specific stories with you. You wouldn't want me to anyway. I have learned a few things in this time that I thought I'd share with you. First of all, it's one thing to go to class and hear professors teach and have a few role plays and read stories in a book. But real people are just that - absolutely real. And their stories and pain and heartbreak and trauma are real. When those people sit across from you and share their pain with you, there are two things that come to mind - absolute honor that they would somehow trust you enough, even though they don't know you, to share their story with you AND complete thankfulness that I am not God, nor do I have to be. Because here is the reality - counselors can't fix it. Only God can ultimately transform, redeem and heal. I can't make another person choose well. I can't fix their life or make their problems go away. I can't carry their burden for them. All I can do is walk with them as they take the journey to their healing and freedom.

I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm exhausted in every way. I feel completely inadequate and like perhaps I should choose a different career. And yet I also believe God has called me to this and equipped me for it. But wow....sometimes there are just really no words.

I'm sharing this with you all for this specific reason - I would covet your prayers at this time in my life. While people might think to pray for pastors, we don't often think of counselors as being on the front lines. But trust me - we are. I am coming face to face with evil and the consequences of sin. And it's tough. Sad. Heartbreaking. Please pray that God will give me wisdom, that I will know when to speak and when to be silent, that I will be able to sit with another person in their pain and be present with them but leave it behind when they leave the office. Pray for energy and hope and that I will remember that God really does redeem and restore and bring beauty from ashes. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

2012 - A Year of Brave Adventure!

Greetings everyone! Happy 2012 to all of my family and friends. I CANNOT believe that it is already 2012. It is true that time flies, and it flies faster the older you get. Anyway, for those of you who have known me for awhile, you know I tend to post some sort of "reflective" blog at the beginning of a new year. I like to look back on what God has done in the year that was just completed, as well as look forward to an unknown adventure. There is lots to discuss from this past year and in what promises to be a crazy year ahead. So here goes!

FAMILY
I love my family, and I am very thankful that we all got to be together over the holidays for a few days. We are spread out in 4 states - I'm in Florida, Matthew is in Georgia, my parents are in Tennessee, and Michael & Bekah are now in Texas. It's been a year since we were all together all at the same time, and we had a great time exploring my parents' new town. We have always been a family that was very interactive, and our time in Nashville was no different. Here is a sampling of what we did together...

We decorated our own Christmas ornaments with paint and straws and lots and lots of laughter. They didn't exactly turn out very well but we learned some very valuable lessons that we will use for next year!


We roasted hotdogs (and s'mores!) in the fireplace and had a fantastically yummy dinner! Pa was a great sport and cooked most of them for us.

We created a gingerbread house, and this was the first time Bekah had ever done this. It was lots of fun!

The finished product:

Please note the fence made out of twizzlers. My dad spent lots of time creating this, and made it look like a real picket fence. Very impressive!

We got to go to the Bluebird Cafe together, which was really cool. A lot of famous musicians have gotten their start there and it was fun to sit there and enjoy hearing songwriters play "in the round". We also took some fun photos in a giant rocking chair. Here are a few of those...



We did take a few real family pictures on our last day together. I will post those soon, but they need to be edited first. All in all, it was a great visit, and such a blessing to be able to relax and spend time with some of my favorite people. This year promises to be a big year for us all as there are a lot of big decisions to be made, and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for each person in my family.

FRIENDS
This fall marked the third year that Nikki and I have been roommates here in Orlando. 2011 held lots of adventures for us as individuals and as friends. We even had surgery at the same time this year! We also got to go to Greece together, and not only was that trip a blast, but it became life-changing for us both as it became a marker for us to continue growing and healing in big ways. God has been so gracious to allow our stories and lives to intersect, and I am so thankful for her and her friendship. 2012 promises to be a year filled with new adventures, and I can't wait to see what happens. It's such a blessing to have a sister to share all of the adventures with!

I have also enjoyed getting to know and bonding with some of the people in my cohort at school. I could not be on this journey without them to share it with, and you all know who you are! :) Love you and can't wait to see what this year holds.

Finally in the friend, or somewhat "more than friend" category, the end of 2011 brought an unexpected twist in this area. Almost 2 years ago, I met a guy at an interview weekend for another school here in the Orlando area that I was looking at for my counseling degree. He ended up going to school there and I did not, but we stayed in touch and have enjoyed building a friendship over the last year-and-a-half or so once he moved down here for school. I don't know what God has in store for us, but we are enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other more. He's awesome - loves God, gets it, understands what it means to have a story redeemed, has a great sense of humor, and he appreciates my unique "Tiffany-ness". I would appreciate your prayers for us both as we navigate the path God has before us. And yes to all my "moms" out there - I'll certainly keep you posted! :)

SCHOOL
I can hardly believe I am typing this, but God willing, 2012 will be the year that I graduate with my Master's degree! I am sooo ready to be done with school, but I know this year is going to be incredible, and I'm looking forward to all that it holds. I have learned so much in the last year and one semester. God has done remarkable healing in my life and is continuing to transform me from the inside out. And believe it or not, my student internship begins MONDAY! Oh.my.gosh. Just typing that makes me get a little nervous! :) I actually have my first clients scheduled on Wednesday of this next week. Yes, I'm nervous, but I am also ready. I'm ready to put into practice all that I have learned. I'm ready to use the unique ways God has made and gifted me, and I'm ready for Him to use me in whatever way He sees fit for whomever He brings in my door. Please pray for me. And pray for my first clients as I learn exactly how to counsel. :) I do not take any of this lightly. I believe every person's story is worth hearing and deserves honor, respect and dignity. It is my prayer that I will not lose sight of the holy ground that I am on each time someone shares their soul with me (hence the creation of the picture below I made so that I won't forget!). And I pray God will direct each word I speak so that I can be an instrument of healing as I walk with people through their pain. I'll keep you posted as this next chapter starts - I think it's going to be pretty life-changing!

THE MADNESS
In order to hopefully still pay bills, go to school and do the necessary hours for my internship, I am going to be working 6 days a week beginning on Monday. I can't think too far ahead or I would get very overwhelmed with the thought of all I have to do and all I have to balance. I would truly appreciate your prayers as I enter this next chapter. I obviously want to give my all to everything I am doing, and there are obviously things I have to do. In that, however, I still want to live life. I need to take care of myself, get rest, and have fun every now and then! It's not going to be easy, and I'm thankful for people in my life who will not let me get away with not being balanced. But I don't want to miss what God has for me each day, even in the madness. Prayers for peace, strength, endurance, and joyful abandon are greatly appreciated!

WORD FOR THE YEAR
In 2011, my word for the year was "love". I knew it was important for me to learn to love myself, exactly how God has made me, so that I can love Him and others well. God has done amazing work in my life in this area in the last year, and it is a work that will continue. My word for 2012 is "brave". There are many reasons for this, but one reason is that there are a lot of things God revealed to me in this last year, and now it's time for me to actually choose to live them out. That requires courage and bravery to be vulnerable, real, open and authentic. I also need to be brave as I begin seeing clients and then personally as I continue to grow and move forward in a journey of "more than friends". :) I believe God will be faithful to meet me in this area this year, but you can pray for my bravery as this new chapter begins. I can't wait to see what is in store and how God continues His work. I might not have a lot of time for updates, but I'll do my best. Know that each of you mean so much to me, as all of my life and experiences have led me to this time and place, for this purpose. May 2012 be a year of growth, hope, and transformation as you follow God wherever He leads you. Much love to you all!