Withdrawal

Greetings from the Great White North, where it is cold and rainy outside and the sun has forgotten how to shine. I looked at the 10 day weather forecast the other day, and every day for 10 days, it said cloudy or rainy. There was not a single sunshine picture!! Sigh.... Remind me when I'm melting in Orlando in July of these cool days, okay??

Anyway, I thought I'd share an update with you guys on this whole anxiety journey I have been on. As I mentioned in a previous post, which you can read a few entries below, I started taking some medication for anxiety to help me get through this time. Well....it has been quite awful! The medicine I got put on was klonopin, and may I please say - don't EVER take this drug!!!! Although it did help me to relax, I ended up having an allergic reaction to it and had to stop taking it immediately. That is problem number one because you make the withdrawal symptoms worse when you stop it suddenly. As I had no choice, too bad for me. It's also a highly addictive drug, and the withdrawal from it is similar to what an alcoholic's is like.

It has been 10 days since I have had any, and I am in the midst of the most awful withdrawal. I have never been through anything like this before, and may I just say, it is not pleasant! I will spare you the details of all of the symptoms, but if you're interested in what they are, click here and scroll down to the list of symptoms. I can say that I am experiencing about 85% of the listed conditions. Awesome.

In the midst of all this madness - and in some of the worst symptoms I've had in this whole process - a friend of mine came to visit over the weekend. Karen and I were best friends in middle school and our freshman year of high school, and then her family moved to VA. In the 15 years since then, we've only seen each other once, and that was 7 years ago, although we have stayed in touch through the years. She'd never been to Boston, so she got to come and hopefully experience a great tour of the city, even though I could barely stand up! All the pictures in the post are from our time downtown. The one of the two of us was after we spent about 8 hours in the city while I was in serious detox. Not too horrible of a picture, right??

Apparently when you go through withdrawal, your symptoms peak, then they plateau, and then they gradually start to improve. All of this can take at least twice as long as you were actually on the medication, if not longer. I'm hoping that this weekend was the peak and that I'm in the midst of the plateau and that really really really soon I will start to improve. I'm having a hard time eating - not much of an appetite, nausea, etc. - and I've already lost at least 5 pounds.

For those of you who know me well, you know I'm a "fix-it" kind of girl. Encounter problem, figure out solution, fix problem, and move on. Only problem in this is that there really isn't a way to fix it. You just have to suck it up and go through it. I have also always kind of figured that in the midst of crap, God is surely trying to teach me some sort of lesson, and the sooner I learn it, the sooner the crap will go away. Except for I don't really believe that anymore after these last 2 years. I do think God uses our circumstances to help refine our faith and smooth away the rough edges, but I don't think the circumstances changing depend on whether or not we've "learned our lesson".

So what now? Folks, I'll be honest - I'm barely hanging in there. It is seriously taking every ounce of everything that I have to make it through these days, fighting my body's reaction, trying to work, just trying to survive. But in the midst of it all, I am clinging to God, trusting that He hasn't fallen asleep, and having great sympathy for those who are drug addicts and people who go through withdrawal. I know now how people end up as addicts because in the worst of all of this, all I wanted to do was take a pill to make it better. Thankfully, God has given me what I needed through each moment (and all pills have been flushed!), but I do have a much better sensitivity towards those who end up where they never dreamed of getting. Hey - this is a good lesson to learn, right? Can we move on now please?? :)

Anyway, for those of you who are my Massachusetts friends, hug me whenever you see me. Hugs are good. For those of you who are my Georgia friends or people from elsewhere in the country, hug me through your prayers. I need them. God is sufficient. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And He carries me when I can't walk.....but I'd prefer that on this particular adventure, He not carry me to a tiny room with padded walls!! :)

Thanks for your support, encouragement, prayer and love. Means more than you know. And maybe even asking for prayer helps - I ate a banana while I wrote this post! I'll keep you guys updated on this journey as it continues to unfold...Beauty out of ashes....spring out of winter....please God, let it be so.