Jesus Loves Me

Hi everyone. I'm writing this blog post 40,000 feet in the air as I fly back to Orlando from a weekend spent in the Great White North. I know it's been awhile since I last wrote, and I think I shall stop apologizing for the length between my posts. Just know that when I have something to share, I'll write about it! :) Anyway, I was in Boston for Michael's graduation from seminary (YAY brother!!) and enjoyed a lovely visit with family and friends. I have lots of thoughts in my head that I shall try to share with all of you...

First of all, I love flying into Boston. When I arrived in Boston three years ago, I had no idea what I was doing. I remember waking up one day and suddenly realizing that I was in a new place and wasn't entirely sure how I had gotten there. Even in the fog of figuring out what was next, God was so faithful to provide me with a safe place to begin the healing process, surrounded by His magnificent creation and awesome people to walk the journey with. And though I have been gone for almost a year now, every time I fly into Boston my heart smiles. I think it will always hold a piece of my heart because it's where God met me in amazing ways, and I can't help but think about all that He did whenever I find myself back there.

I believe God shows Himself to us in big and small ways each day that we live...it's just that we often miss what He is showing us because we're too busy or not paying attention or resigned to the way that life is. But you can't see sights like this (and the other images in this post that I took this weekend) and not be aware of God.

I don't think it's an accident that God allowed me to live in a place for the first two years after my divorce where I would regularly encounter moments that took my breath away as I stood in awe at His majesty, power and grace, surrounded by the beauty of what He has made. And each time I am back in that place, I have an "oh duh" moment... "Okay God, You know what You're doing....thanks for the reminder." :)

As I have spent the last year in Florida, God has continued the healing process in me. But this year of healing has looked different. It's been healing on a much deeper level and in some ways more painful than initial healing. And honestly, I have wrestled with God for most of this year as He has taken me to places I didn't want to go and revealed areas in my life that need to be examined and offered to Him for transformation. This is not always an enjoyable process, and I still find myself kicking and screaming through this desert portion of my journey. Thankfully, God is patient and kind and loves me anyway. I am most grateful for this!

One of the things that has been difficult for me is not being afraid to be myself - to be exactly who God has made me to be, with no apology. When someone has left you - especially a person who was never supposed to do so - it creates a fear that if you aren't "good enough" or don't keep people happy or mess up, etc., someone else might leave. I admit that this is a stressful way to live because you end up trying to perform for love instead of just resting in it. I struggle with performance anyway, so add this to that, and well....it's not a pretty picture.

But have no fear - God is working on me with this very issue right now in my life, and being in the Great White North this weekend reminded me of something very simple and yet very profound. He loves me. He created me with the same care that He made His beautiful creation. And He loves me. Forever. No matter what.

I was filling out a scholarship application for grad school the other day and had to write a brief description of myself. It's actually interesting to try to write an honest description of yourself in a limited space. What do you say? How do you describe yourself to someone who has never met you? Below is an excerpt from what I wrote...

"MercyMe wrote a song quite a few years ago called Undone. I feel that the first verse and chorus of this song is a great place to start a description of me…

No apologies for who I’m meant to be
The only thing that matters is that I am free
When I am overwhelmed, holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world start to fall apart

To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I’ve become
Undone

These last few years have truly undone me. I have experienced very dark nights, the miraculous healing power of Christ and everything in between. I have clung to God as He breathed for me when I didn’t care if I ever breathed again, and I have wrestled with Him over what He has allowed and at times where I now find myself. I have depended on others in new ways and have never wanted to trust anyone again. I have rested in indescribable peace and battled anxiety. I have been afraid to be who I have been made to be for fear of someone else leaving, and I have enjoyed rediscovering exactly how God has made me to be. Dreams have shattered but new dreams have awakened, and I find myself excited about all that God has for me in this journey.

So who am I? I’m just an ordinary girl made extraordinary by the love and grace of Jesus. I have the heart of a child and enjoy maintaining a sense of awe and wonder at the magnificent world that surrounds us. I find joy in simple things, I love baseball, music, fun socks, wearing ribbons with a ponytail, ice cream and Disney World. I have the best family in the world, great friends, I have a cute cat, and I’m passionate about seeing other people discover the true freedom we have in Christ. I am nothing apart from Christ, and even in wrestling with God at times, I know at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow that He loves me and I am His."

When I was a kid, my brothers and I sang the song "Jesus Loves Me" all the time. I don't think I fully grasped then the magnitude of what I was singing. "Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so..." I believed it because Jesus said it. But now as an adult, struggling with trust, it's much harder to just accept at face value that Jesus loves me. We all have these arguments..."yeah but if you knew what I did.....but He let this happen to me....but I have been struggling with my belief in Him....but I'm scared and confused and not sure".... or whatever your personal argument might be. Regardless of all of that, Jesus loves me (and you!). The Bible says so. The end. :)

So as this healing journey continues and new adventures abound, this is where I find myself...relearning to rest in the simple fact that Jesus loves me, just as I am - crazy sock wearing, Disney loving, ribbons in my hair and all . To help me remember, you just might find me singing this song a whole lot in the coming days. Sing the chorus with me, will you?

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so!