On Having Surgery & Other Musings

On Tuesday of this week, I will be having surgery to have my thyroid removed. In a completely random way, it was discovered that I had a nodule on either side of my thyroid. I have not had any trouble and would never have known that the nodules were there except for a chance exam while it was trying to be determined if I had chronic sinus issues. From the discovery of one of the nodules came an ultrasound, biopsies, and the determination that while it doesn't appear to yet be cancerous, the tissues of the nodules are suspicious and obviously we do not want to leave them there to develop into anything down the road. So I will be having my entire thyroid removed and then will be on medication the rest of my life to provide the necessary hormones.

I'll be honest - I'm getting nervous about all of this. I've never had major surgery and never had anesthesia. I've always been drug sensitive and am afraid I'll have some sort of crazy reaction to the drugs and everything. Obviously I'm praying that will not be the case and that everything will be very routine and as easy as possible, but I'm still not looking forward to any of this. In the midst of the nervousness though is also the assurance that Jesus is with me and that my life is in His hands, whether I'm just living normally or having a surgical procedure done.

I probably think way too much about stuff, but I'm analytical so you'll have to bear with me for a moment. I know the likelihood of me not surviving the surgery or never waking up or having some sort of wacky reaction is very low. But the reality is also that we don't know what will happen. There are no guarantees. Whenever I'm facing something major, I can't help but reevaluate life a bit and realize that for as much as I'd like to think I'm in control, I'm not at all. And that could be scary if I didn't trust that God is in control and has a way bigger plan for my life than I'm probably even aware of. The truth is that He knows the number of my days. If Tuesday were to be my last day on earth, it wouldn't matter if I was in surgery or reading a book in my apartment, that would be it. The other reality is that whenever I have accomplished all that God gave me on this earth to accomplish, I'll be with Him, and I'll be fine. It'll just suck for all of you! :) Seriously, not trying to be maudlin - I'm anticipating everything going just fine, and there are lots of things happening in the coming days that I'm really excited about - but it also helps me to remember who is really in control. In that process, even when dealing with the nervousness, I can be at peace.

I'd appreciate your prayers for me over these next few days. I have to be at the hospital at 6:45am on Tuesday and the surgery is scheduled for 8:45am. It should only take a couple of hours at the most, and then I will most likely be in the hospital for two days while they monitor my levels. There are a few specific things you can pray for: pray that there will be no adverse reactions to the anesthesia or surgery in general. Pray that everything will heal quickly, with as little discomfort as possible. Pray that there will be no damage done to my vocal cords or parathyroid glands. And pray for peace and rest in the next day and a half leading up to the surgery! I'll certainly keep you posted on the healing process...

On a completely different topic, in my last blog I mentioned some of my struggles since returning from Greece. I'm still working through much of that, but things are going well. It's always so funny to me how God uses everything in our lives to teach us what He wants us to learn. Since starting grad school, I've been amazed how often what I'm learning in class is going right along with what I'm doing in my own personal counseling and what is happening in life in general. The same thing continues to happen now. When Nikki and I went to Greece, my mom prayed that the trip would be the start of "relaunching us into society" in all areas of our lives. Let's face it - when you go through traumatic life events, the tendency is to hide and maybe stay on the sidelines a bit as life goes on. But it's time for us to get back in the game in every way, and as hard and scary as that is, it's also very exciting. We are moving to a new place at the end of August and are looking forward to things that are ahead.

In my class that I'm currently in, our professor told us that our clients will work harder to stay in their pathology than they will to change. We all do it - it's easier to stay where you're comfortable and feel safer than it is to put forth the work required for change. However, as a very wise person said, only when we are actively in pain are we willing to change and only in brokenness can strength occur. This will be true of the people who come to see me for counseling, and it is certainly true in my life. I will say that these last 4 1/2 years have been tough, but it's pretty cool to see how God continues to heal and do work, bringing strength from brokenness and a willingness to make some necessary changes out of pain. I'm thankful He loves me that much and I'm looking forward to all that He has in store in the days and weeks to come. I'll continue to keep you updated and appreciate your encouragement, support and prayers over these next few days!