On Being Halfway Through and Homework

Greetings friends and family! I haven't written a blog in a very long time. Since I had surgery 3 months ago to be exact. We'll get to that in a minute. But first, I would like to announce that when I take my final in my substance abuse class tomorrow night, I will be exactly halfway finished with my master's degree! I will just have the second half of this semester and next year to go! I'm excited about reaching this milestone. It's been a tough journey but a great one at the same time, and I know this last half of the program will fly by. We start our internship in January, where I will be seeing clients and getting to start putting into practice all that I have been learning. I know that will help make it more real and interesting and allow me to get to start doing what I hope to do once I am through with school. I interviewed yesterday and was accepted as a student intern at the counseling center I have gone to, and I'm super excited about that! I think it's going to be a great fit for me and I'm really looking forward to getting started in January.

And now on to other topics, such as why I have not put up a blog in many months. For those of you who have been readers for awhile, you know I've never hesitated to share struggles and be fairly real in my postings. However, to be completely honest, many of my blog posts are written after I've already processed my struggle. I don't mind being real about what I was struggling with - but I am not often real about my current struggles. My counselor gave me a homework assignment of writing a blog where I was honest about what I am feeling currently. She told me I didn't have to publish it - she just wanted me to write an honest blog - even in my place of not knowing or arriving at a fully processed moment - and to not sugarcoat anything. So that's what this is. And I decided to post it. (Do I get extra credit for this homework assignment now dear counselor???? ;p) I decided to post it mostly because I don't want to. Which means I probably need to. Because one of my biggest fears is that if people know what's really going on inside of me, they'll walk away and not want anything to do with me anymore. I know in my head that is not true, but I find it hard to believe in my heart. If you do actually take the time to read the rest of this blog, please don't feel compelled to tell me how great and wonderful you think I am for sharing this. Not that I will complain if you do! :) But this blog is for me, not for you. This is a first step of faith in taking a risk and moving forward on the journey towards trusting God again. I hope my honesty allows you to have your own honesty for whatever you might need to have it for. So without further ado, in no particular order, here are honest thoughts, feelings and admissions from my current place in life...

Thoughts on God
It really all starts and ends with God, doesn't it? Which means when you and God aren't on the greatest of terms, life tends to suck more. My journey over the last five years has led me through interesting times with God. Early on after the divorce, I felt exceptionally close to God. In my darkest night, He breathed for me when I didn't care if I breathed again. I know Him in deeper ways. And yet, five years later, I don't really like Him much right now. I don't trust Him. I'm afraid of what He might - or might not - have for me. I know all of the right spiritual answers and biblical truths in my head, but somehow I'm not believing them in my heart. I know God hasn't gone anywhere - I know I'm the one holding Him at arms length. But I am afraid that if I let go, if I surrender, He won't be real. That He will let me down. Or that I'll let Him down. So I keep pushing Him away, knowing life would be a lot better with Him close by but terrified of what that closeness will require. I know He wants everything - He wants my entire life and for me to let go of my illusion of control and trust Him - but even typing that almost makes me feel paralyzed with fear.

Thoughts on a Thyroid
It's been a really crappy three months since surgery in dealing with my hormones. Somehow before surgery I missed it that your thyroid is the primary mood controller/balancer in your body. I'm certainly aware of it now. My medication was too low for the first 8 weeks post-surgery, and I went through serious depression as a result. Horribly not fun. My life requires a lot of energy, and trying to do work and school and everything that goes with it with no energy and no sense of caring about anything? Well it's been a little tough. They increased my dosage about four weeks ago, and my energy level is getting back to normal, which is nice. I feel a little more like myself. However, I am having serious stomach problems, which I think is at least partially due to the higher dosage - I've always been super drug sensitive. Probably due some to stress too. But when the alternatives at this point are to be depressed or have your stomach eat itself, it's kind of annoying. I'm afraid I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life and wonder if I made a bad decision on having my thyroid removed. I'm frustrated with not feeling well and not feeling right. I'm tired of this process but know it could keep going for awhile. I have large amounts of hostility and want to hurt people and then will quickly swing to feeling exhausted and wanting to lay on the floor of the food court and take a nap. I feel like someone who is pregnant, except there is no reward at the end. I want God to fix it, to help doctors figure out the right combo and what works for me, and I just want to feel normal!

Thoughts on School
The closer I get to starting my internship, the more excited and more terrified I get. Part of me feels very ready - I have been well trained, I have learned a lot, and I am ready to start actually doing all the stuff I've learned about. And yet I am terrified of failure. I'm afraid that I won't be a good counselor - that someone will come in and I won't be able to help at all. I think I'll be a good counselor, but I want a guarantee. I've never been a huge risk taker. I want to know that I am going to be good at something and that I'll be successful. I'm about to get dumped into a counseling room and real people with real struggles will come in, looking to me to walk with them through their journeys. What do I know? I'm just as afraid of change as they will be and I'm going to be asking them to take risks in their journeys that I'm still struggling to take in my own. I'm afraid that I'll let down the people who think I'm going to be good at this, that I'll disappoint those who believe in me and disappoint myself. I'm super good at administrative tasks because there isn't much risk there. I can do a task, complete it, do it well and move on with success. Counseling is organic. It's artistic and emotional and requires flexibility and creativity, which is how I've been made, but living out of that part of me is risky and scary and terrifying.

Thoughts on People
When it comes to relationships, I didn't realize until perhaps fairly recently how much damage was done when it comes to my willingness to trust others. I trust people to a point, but when it comes to sharing all of myself - struggles, hopes, dreams, fears - the deepest parts of my artist heart that make me me, I tend to hold back. Mostly out of fear that if people see who I really am it won't be good enough for them and they'll leave. I have lived a bit with the mindset of "I'll leave you before you can leave me", but I haven't done this by walking away from people. I have done this by holding people at arms length and only letting them get so close. The problem with this is that we all suffer because relationships and friendships can only go so far when this is the case. I want to be who God has made me to be. I want to be myself - to be snarky if I need to be, to laugh with joyful abandon, to maybe even cry if I need to. But I'm so afraid to let go because I'm afraid if I'm any of those things, someone might walk away. I'm afraid to not be enough, to not meet expectations, to be less than perfect, to be weak or needy. I know I need to just take a risk and give people the benefit of the doubt to respond well. But I cannot imagine actually letting someone see me cry. To be that risky and vulnerable, to let go of control and be that real....it makes my stomach eat itself even more. :)

Thoughts on Life
I have recently come to the realization how afraid I really am that I will spend the rest of my life alone - that I'll never really fit in anywhere, that everyone I know will have a family and I'll be the nice single friend who tags along. I used to think it wouldn't be a big deal if I never married again. And I know I would be okay. But I am admitting out loud that I really do want a family. I would love to be married to a man who loves God and loves his family well. I would love to be a mom. I'm afraid I'll never have that chance. I'm afraid there won't be a guy who would want me, especially this me who doesn't have it all together or have all the answers or isn't okay all the time. I want to be free to just be myself and know someone will love that me and that we can fight without them leaving. I hope that exists, but I'm afraid it never will. I'm afraid that the reality I have now - the struggle to provide for myself, to carry all the financial burdens, to have to open all my own jars that are sometimes impossible to open, to have to kill all the bugs....is the reality that will always be and it's depressing to think that might never change.

And this friends is where I am going to end this post. I don't have a neat little bow to tie this up with - to show the redemption in it. I believe God is in all of this, but I don't have any answers. I know some of what I need to do, and I know what my issues are. I know where I am and I know where I'd like to be, but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B. I don't like not knowing, I'm not really a fan of feeling all of these emotions, but this is where I am right now. This is where I need to sit. And someday I'll write the post that shows God's redemptive work. But tonight I'm just leaving it be and trusting He loves me right where I am.