Twirl On!

I started this blog in 2007, when I knew I would be moving to Boston. (If you're ever bored, you should check out some of the early entries in the sidebar! :P) I have loved writing entries, sharing pictures, stories, prayer requests, things I'm learning or struggling with.... I enjoy having these last few years documented for many reasons. If I ever need to be reminded of the ways God has taken care of me, I only have to go back and look at a variety of entries. If I want to see how far I've come or how much healing has taken place, I need only read through some of the earliest things I wrote. Sometimes I blog because I want to share pictures of family hang out time, like in my entry below this. Other times I want to share a story or update you on life. And other times, I want to share something I am learning because getting it "on paper" helps me process even more. This is one of those times, so hang with me as I share.

God has been doing a lot of work in my life over this past year in dealing with performance. I have long struggled with performance issues - caring what people think, wanting to perform well for acceptance, etc. It matters to me to be thought well of, to do a great job, to be seen in a good light. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to do your best, but when the motivation behind that is because you're worried about how people will view you, then it becomes a problem. I do believe that God has done much work in this area of my life and that this is getting better, but it is still something I struggle with.

I feel like He is calling me to live and to love Him with absolute abandon - living fully, laying it all on the line, being fully engaged. It's easy to stand on the edge of a cliff and dream about what it would be like to jump off and fly through the air, knowing you'll be okay no matter what. It's another thing to actually take the jump. I think there's a part in all of us that wonders what might happen if we totally let go of the control we think we have and pursue God fully. What might He ask of me? What might He have in store? What might He allow - good or bad? And if I do this, what will my life look like? What will people think?

As children, we so easily trust. We live with abandon, fully engaged in life because we don't know any better. We have a joyful expectancy for what comes next, and we haven't yet learned from society that there are "rules" and cliques and things you should or shouldn't do to be cool.

I love the expression of innocent fun and the thumb on the hip. I knew I was loved!

I loved dressing like a cat!

I remember this outfit. It was my favorite one in elementary school and I thought I was SOOO cool wearing it. I'm slightly embarrassed to post it now! :)

My point in all of this is this: When does this perception and attitude that we have as children change? When do we start to notice and care what others think? For some, this happens earlier than for others. But regardless of when, we all make it to adulthood and start caring a lot more about others' opinions of us. Perhaps we hide some of the deepest parts of ourselves for fear of what people would think if they knew. But what if those parts that we hide are what make us uniquely us? What if people need to know? And even if they did know and thought less of us, then so what?

I have always had the heart of a child. I love the little things about life. It doesn't take much to make me smile. There are things I still love that most people probably wouldn't understand. For example, let me introduce you to Walter. Here he is:

Walter is my very favorite stuffed animal. I got him at Christmas my freshman year in high school. This makes Walter about 16 1/2 years old. He is very loved. He has literally gone on every trip I have taken since I got him. And he is one of three stuffed animals that I still sleep with, even though I'm 32. (It's okay, people. I'm in counseling!) Seriously though.... Walter makes me smile. There's a reason that he is special to me. And I don't care if any one else understands or if there are any other adults who still have stuffed animals on their bed. He's on mine. But why is that embarrassing to admit? What about it seems "not okay"?

The Chick-fil-A that I work at is inside of a really nice mall. In the center of the mall, there is a huge open space on the lower level. Hanging from the ceiling are enormous screens where they play fashion shows or images from nature and a variety of music all day long. I was walking through the mall the other day, and they had a classical piece of music playing. There were a few kids standing in the center of the open space dancing and twirling to the music. They were oblivious to others around them, and they were just going for it. I've seen this before and it always makes my heart smile. But this time, there was a difference. Their mom was right there with them in the center of the area, twirling and dancing with them. As I watched them, I wasn't thinking about how dumb she looked or wondering what in the world she was thinking. It was one of the most awesome scenes to watch. And yet how many of us would have been willing to throw caution to the wind and twirl around in a mall?

I felt like God gave this to me as a picture of what He calls us to. He has made each of us a wonderful and unique creation. When we live fully engaged, fully alive, pursuing Him wholeheartedly, He is made famous. When we let go of the things which trap us - the fears that keep us in hiding, everyone benefits. And God is glorified. It is my prayer that God will continue His work in my life in this area - that I will be able to live fully in freedom, not letting my performance or what others think be what dictate my actions. And I would challenge you to also examine your life, looking at the gifts that God has given you - the things that make you uniquely you. Is there anything you aren't offering because of what might happen if you do? However it might look in each of our lives, let's twirl on - for the sake of the Kingdom and for freedom in this life!